Losing people that you care about. That’s what’s bothering me. I’ve been through the same thing a lot of times, but this is the most difficult time. I don’t even know why. Maybe he was special, because to me he isn’t just a friend, but he is also not more than that. I don’t know what to label him. But I know for sure, when we no longer in contact, when he sees through me like I don’t exist, my heart breaks. Whatever happened between us are now fading into the thin air, you barely can see it, let alone to touch it.
It makes me sad, because I thought it could lasts. Maybe I have had wishes that it bloomed into something even more beautiful, but if it didn’t turn that way, having it stays wherever it was, would have made me feel happier than I am right now.. But I have to accept this for what it is, that it ended long before I realised it. And I admit that I have made another mistake when it comes to men.
Dearest H.T., you are deeply missed.
I did it again, didn’t I? I feel terrible for thinking of him when he obviously never think of me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. One minute I am doing so well, enjoying every minute with you and one minute another I found myself trapped in the zone of him. I know you are busy right now, and we don’t have much time for talking, but I should have not acting the way I did, right? I owe you so much for being there for me when no one else did. Tu sei il mio eroe!
Piccolo, I hate it when I acted like this. Like I said the other day, I want to be able not to rely on you so much. I know you said you don’t mind, but this is something that I have to learn. To be honest, I like who I was weeks ago. But not so much right now, because the thought of him clouded my mind and my heart. I guess I still need to be reminded to be happy, and by you, no less. That makes me feel pathetic. Which is why I am saying it here instead of you. I can’t bring myself to admit it, because I don’t want to trouble you further. You’ve been taking care of me, and now it is my turn for me to do so. For starters, I should forget him and listen to what you’ve been saying to me. I need to wake up and smell the coffee; he is not worth my time.
Still.. Vorrei che tu fossi qui.
I’d take a walk in the park, while walking, looking up to the sky,
perhaps there’ll be stars that night. But if there’s none, that’s okay,
because sometimes you can see the clouds here and there.
I want to run so fast until I am out of breath,
I want to feel the midnight breeze on my skin, that it sent shivers to my body.
Perhaps then go to a café for a cup of hot tea.
If it’s okay I’d want to see the city bathed in pretty lights,
as cars passed by, the feel of the cold of the night,
I’d stuffed my hands even deeper in my pockets.
But this would be meaningful if you were with me. Thus, I’d find you first,
just so we got to walk hand in hand, run side to side, have hot drinks together,
seeing the flickering lights on each other’s faces, linking arms, smiling.